Anxiety

I hope you enjoyed your little reprieve from hearing about my mundane life.  :)  I honestly think that nobody reads this blog, but according to stats, at least one person out there in cyberworld has a lot of time on their hands! 

2012 has officially been one of the worst years of my life, mainly due to my health.  I just re-read all of my previous posts, and at the beginning of the year I mentioned anxiety resurfacing in my life.  Each month, it seems to progressively get worse.  To make a very long story short, for those of you who don't know the background, anxiety first struck me in 2004 when I did a dance with crazy.  The man that I was in a relationship with at that time played me like a fiddle and virtually everything he told me about him and his past was a lie.  Our relationship ended after he had a four month bout of "pretend cancer".  I'm leaving out numerous, almost nefarious details, but the emotional toll that the relationship took on me evoked extreme anxiety, something I had previously not been familiar with.  At that time, I was put on Lexapro, an anti-anxiety drug, as well as Atenolol, which is a beta blocker, but in my case was used to slow my heart rate.  I attributed my last eight years of feeling well to the Lexapro.  However, now I'm not so confident that my feeling better was actually the drug. 

In March, my anxiety got so bad that I was having a hard time even driving, which resulted in me giving my resignation notice at work.  My employer allowed me to work from home several days of the week, though, so I stayed working.  I'm not your typical anxious person, in that I feel like I'm having a heart attack or fear I'm dying.  Instead, I get feelings of dissociation, which are indescribable.  The best way of describing this sensation is that objects that are near feel like they are farther away than what they really are, and vice versa.  The room suddenly seems to feel really large, or small, and almost like a funhouse maze.  It doesn't sound so bad when I describe it, but the feeling I experience is worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced in my life, including my tattoo, knee surgery, tonsillectomy, and cramps...maybe even all combined.  This time around, though, I have the added bonus of feeling dizzy, and what is the worst is how "off" my vision feels.  I can see perfectly fine (with glasses or contacts), yet, everything seems hazy.  I have a very difficult time with fluorescent lighting, or even bright lights.  Walking around is literally difficult for me. 

In June I changed anxiety medications, which didn't help the anxiety at all, and has since brought on tremors.  At least I hope this is the cause of the tremors.  For the past month and a half I've had tremors in my hands, but in the past couple of weeks my whole body has been shaking.  This is unnerving and hard to not think about, as it interferes with every day activities.  I saw my doctor last week and she is having me switch back to the drug I used to take, but for a week I have to take both drugs at the same time.  Tomorrow will be the last day of this, then I will just be on the one drug.  I'm hoping with this change that the tremors and shaking stop.  The anxiety got so bad that by the end of June, I could barely get out of bed.  I felt I had no choice but to quit my job, so again, I gave my notice of resignation.  My employer asked that I take a leave of absence, but given the nature of the job (stressful) and how I feel, I didn't think returning would be a good idea, or something that would even be possible in such a short amount of time.  With that being said, I officially quit on July 31. 

I am beyond terrified of what this anxiety is going to do to me.  In the past, I felt like the anxiety medication kicked in and made me feel better, but now I wonder if it wasn't more mind over matter.  Right now, my mindset is awful.  Not a minute (literally) goes by that I'm not thinking about how I feel.  The best thing to do is keep busy, but when unemployed, that's not easy to do, not to mention when you constantly feel like you're going to tip over, it's not very easy to do many things.  With anxiety, comes it's good buddy, depression.  Fortunately, I don't feel like I've ever really had much dealing with this.  However, I've been seeing a therapist to try to help with the anxiety, and she's diagnosed me as having dysthymia.  I'd never heard of this term before, but it basically means that I have a milder form of depression than most people, but it lasts for much longer periods of time (generally years).  I have to say that I concur with her diagnosis, as I get in funks a couple of times a year and the last few years have had me sort of blue.  However, when I feel well, I'm generally overall fairly happy. 

I've not shared all of these details with a lot of my friends / acquaintances because most people simply don't understand it.  Everybody's answer to both anxiety and depression seems to be to exercise.  While I know that exercise makes a person feel better, it's not the easiest thing to do when a person feels so lousy. 

On top of the anxiety and depression, I also suffer from agoraphobia.  The technical term means that I have a fear of being in crowds, public places, or open spaces.  I love New York City, used to spend far more time out of the house than in, and I'm not really sure what there is to fear about open space.  So, I will tell you how I perceive my agoraphobia.  I basically have anxiety in situations where I can't easily anticipate my exit...airplanes, malls, stadiums, etc.  When I feel well these places may cause me some mild anxiety, but they are completely bearable.  The last several months, I have a difficult time going to Wal-Mart or even the doctor's office.  I know in my head that I can leave at any time, and I also know that nothing is going to happen to me.  So, why I feel the way I do is a mystery to me.  The thing is, I never feel well at home, though, either.  Unless I'm lying down, sitting on the couch on my computer, or taking a bath, I feel miserable.  Even while doing these things I don't feel well, but I feel better.  It's been eight months now and I don't feel any better; actually, things have progressively gotten worse.  In 2004, I had the hope of medication kicking in, but this time around, medicine doesn't seem to be working and I just can't shake the way I feel. 

So, that's my anxiety rant.  If anybody out there has any advice or input on my situation, I'd love to hear from you.  I very much crave being "normal" again, whatever that is.  :)