If you read my last post, you know that things in my life haven't been the greatest lately because of my anxiety. I barely leave my place, so unfortunately I don't have much of anything exciting to share.
The one thing that I hope to take away from this experience (once I'm all better!) is how great life can really be when you're well. Last month, I had a pretty decent nine-day run. I still only felt about 60% as well as I normally do, but I was going out with friends, shopping again, living a relatively normal life. Two years ago when I began this blog, all I wanted was to get married and have children. I was sad and lonely and felt like in order to have a complete life, I needed those things. I'm sure I will always feel that way to a certain extent, but what that nine-day stretch taught me last month is that as long as I have my health, life can be really great! I saw things so differently than I did before. Going to Target or getting groceries actually brought a smile to my face because I was able to go to these places without anxiety. I was able to go to the beach, spend time with family and friends, etc. These great days felt like gifts. You don't really realize how many things in life that you take for granted until certain things are taken away from you. At this point in life I still very much want to get married, and I'd love to have kids, but if those things don't happen, I'll still be OK. I've actually thought a lot about a life without kids lately and given that I never know if / when my anxiety will resurface, the fact that pregnancy and childbirth TERRIFY me, and that I may pass down poor genetics to a child, I'm not sure that I actually should bring a child into this world anyway. So, there is my silver lining in all of this.
Being at home so much has been extremely boring. Before, I used to watch three TV shows and months would pass before I'd see any of them. Since May, I finished the entire series of "Felicity" and am currently on season five of "Rescue Me". Sidenote: "Rescue Me" is actually a really good addiction; Denis Leary may be one of the best actors I would have never discovered had it not been for this anxiety. Getting back to the boredom, I've been trying to take on new hobbies and interests. I read through my list of 10-year goals I listed on this site two years ago, and I'm sad to say that I've not made a dent in any of them.
Last month I began reading the Bible. I was raised Catholic, though while I have not officially converted denominations, I have broken away from the Catholic Church. You would have thought that over a decade of religion classes and two decades of church would have taught me an awful lot about God and Jesus, but I know very little. So, out of a desire to learn and to try to be closer to God, I read the first three Gospels in about a week's time last month. I have to admit that by the time I got to Luke, and heard the same story three times over, I got a little bored. I haven't since picked the Book back up. The main reason for this was not boredom, but dizziness (I feel like I'm on a cruise ship a lot of times and it's not fun trying to read), and also a little frustration. After reading the gospels, and hearing this more than once, "Ask and you shall receive," and "Just as a father would not give his child a rock when he asks for fish, your Father in Heaven will not deny that for which you ask," (something to this effect), I've had trouble understanding God. I know He "works in mysterious ways" and He "has a plan for all of us", but I've spent so many days and nights praying for healing, yet that hasn't happened. I've never been a person to ask for material things, money, or really much of anything for myself. The things I've prayed for are good health for family and friends, good things for family and friends, to meet someone, and to feel well. All I want in life is good health and maybe a committed relationship, which are things almost everybody I know already has, many of whom don't even believe in God. So, I guess you could say I feel a little slighted. I really want to become a regular volunteer, but with the way I feel, that feels impossible. I've talked to God about this. I've told Him that I know I was put here to do His will, which is to serve Him and other people, yet I can't do that when I feel so debilitated. I've asked for healing, which is something Jesus did for His people so many times before, so why not me? I'm asking, but I'm not receiving. I feel a bit like a kid having a temper tantrum, but it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this one. I don't want to lose faith over it, but in the most trying times in my life, it's felt like God has been absent. I just can't make sense of it. Anyway, my whole point initially was that I am trying to at least accomplish some goals while I'm doing little else, so I plan on opening the Book back up and continuing on with my reading.
Last week I enrolled in an online community ed photography class. Unfortunately, it's not as fast-paced as I'd hoped it would be. I thought it would give me the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone - 1. To provide me with knowledge to improve my photography, and 2. To force me out of the house to take pictures. This week, the lessons were on defining your subject and getting to know your camera, so there were no actual assignments. I'm hoping that next week we are assigned something to shoot. I have never gotten to know the ins and outs of the technological aspect of photography, which is critical in taking good pictures, so I hope that I will learn that much from this class.
Last week I enrolled in an online community ed photography class. Unfortunately, it's not as fast-paced as I'd hoped it would be. I thought it would give me the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone - 1. To provide me with knowledge to improve my photography, and 2. To force me out of the house to take pictures. This week, the lessons were on defining your subject and getting to know your camera, so there were no actual assignments. I'm hoping that next week we are assigned something to shoot. I have never gotten to know the ins and outs of the technological aspect of photography, which is critical in taking good pictures, so I hope that I will learn that much from this class.
I've also been contemplating purchasing Rosetta Stone's Spanish program, as learning the language has been something I've been interested in for quite some time. The program is $400, though, which I really shouldn't be spending, considering I am not working right now. I'm thinking I will break out my old Spanish textbook, though (I took an intro class in college), and pick up some CD's from the library. It's not as ideal, but I can at least still learn.
The biggest plunge I've yet to take is volunteering. I'm not comfortable committing to an actual job yet, but feel like volunteering would at least get me out of the house, around other people, and hopefully give my mind something to focus on other than anxiety. I haven't pulled the trigger yet, because of how I feel, but it's something I think I need to do next week. I was hoping to help out at our local food shelf, but it turns out that the people who interview and assist those coming in for help are full-time employees. The only job available to volunteers is to stock shelves, which would just make me think about how I'm feeling.
The thing that I loved about doing clinicals at the nursing home last fall was getting to interact with the residents. My second day there, a woman whom I had just met the day before very briefly, told me that she loved me. She was of sound mind, so to hear that from a complete stranger because I simply took the time to help feed her and get to know her, was incredible. Another man was pretty crotchety and seemed like he was going to be difficult, but after a 10-minute conversation with him about the Great Depression and asking him about his life back then and his job, I actually got some laughs out of him. It is amazing how showing just the slightest bit of attention and care towards another person can change not only their day, but your own. I have such a soft spot in my heart for the elderly, and think I would really love getting to know some of the residents at the nursing home in town. The part I struggle with is loss. I mentioned previously to my mom the idea of working in hospice (a few years ago) and said she didn't think I'd be able to handle it because I have too big of a heart. I worry about getting attached to the residents and knowing that eventually I will lose them, so I'm a bit on the fence about the idea of volunteering at a nursing home. The thing is, though, caring for and loving them is greater than any loss I could experience, so in the end, it should still be very rewarding, right? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
My other idea is to volunteer with the American Cancer Society, which is something I've always wanted to do. Unfortunately, most of the positions they have available for volunteers who actually interact with those with cancer, have to be cancer survivors. There are a few other opportunities that I still need to look into, but they're more administrative.
Lastly, I've made a few new friends globally. I mentioned a couple of years ago that even when I was a kid, I loved to talk and make new friends, and loved having pen-pals. That lasted for a few years, and two years ago, I decided why not try to do some of the things I loved as a kid? In the fast-paced world we live in, especially being connected globally via the Internet, it seems like life is a little less personal. Heck, with the invention of social media, it seems like people hardly e-mail anymore. So, I got back into writing good, old-fashioned letters. Now that I have more time on my hands, I've just recently begun writing a few more ladies, but one that I "met" several months ago is by far the greatest friend a girl could ask for.
In life, I've always managed to attract a wide variety of people. It seems like the needy and strange gravitate towards me more than anyone else, but I've been fortunate to meet so many different types of people...old, young, wealthy, poor, educated, working class, etc., and have been lucky to have had as many friends as I have. Three of the most influential people I have been blessed to "know", however, I have never even met in "real life".
1. The first is my friend, Joe, whom I've known since 2007 when he sent me a message on MySpace. He lived in the same state as me for nearly two years, but refused to meet me, as he either had a girlfriend, or had some other excuse. :) He and I talk nearly every day and he probably knows more about me than anybody else on the planet. It still bothers me that he would never meet me, and I've always thought it's so odd to talk so much and so often with someone you've never met, but we will meet eventually. He lost his mom about a year and a half after I lost my dad, and he experienced some extreme anxiety last year, so he's been a great shoulder through my current battle.
2. The second person is "Jack", the man I was paired up with when I did the Adopt-A-Soldier pen-pal program. He is truly the kindest, most humble, caring man I have ever "met". It's funny how they say that girls are always attracted to men who remind them of their father. My dad was a quiet, loyal, humble person, kept a lot to himself, and never really said a bad word about anybody. He was also very traditional in his belief of gender roles, which meant my mom did all the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, etc. I never pictured myself with a guy like my dad. I've always been attracted to and dated guys who are more outgoing, cocky, and ultimately, probably cheaters. The more I get to know Jack, the more he reminds me of my dad. We recently began talking on the phone and whenever I talk to him, I think about how much my dad would like him. Their demeanor is nearly identical, and both are some of the greatest men I've had the gift of knowing. Knowing Jack has meant not only knowing a wonderful person, but has also restored my faith in mankind a little bit. If all the guys in the world were like Jack, every woman would get her fairytale ending.
3. Now, getting to my point, the third person is Judith. This sweet, funny, vivacious woman sent me an e-mail several months ago and I know if we lived close to each other, we'd be best friends for life. I've gotten to know her through letters, sometimes we write each other two or three times a week. She's not a typical pen-pal. In fact, she's not a pen-pal at all, as that word doesn't do her justice. She's a true friend. While she is on the other side of the globe all the way in the Netherlands, she has been a better friend to me than the majority of the people who live within 30 miles of me. We talk via e-mail just about every day and she's been such a great support throughout this stint of anxiety. I've enjoyed learning more about her, her family, and her country, and have found that I often get so much more out of our conversations than I do with my friends that I see on a regular basis. While I know I will never have another pen-pal that is as wonderful as she is, she's inspired me to "meet" a few more people globally in hopes of forging some other good friendships and to learn more about other cultures.
One exciting thing that happened today was receiving a letter from Jose, the boy that I sponsor from Mexico. On days when I have bad anxiety, I try to remember the good in life and how things could be much worse. His letter brightened my day. He was in second grade when I began sponsoring him, and now he's already beginning the fourth grade. He's doing very well in school, seems to be a sweet kid, and for someone who's just eight years old, he seems to appreciate life and the few things he does have more than most of the adults I know who have been blessed with many fortunes. I guess he's the fourth inspiring person I "know" that I've yet to meet.
The one other thing I've been trying to do lately is tap into my creative side. Unfortunately, I am not sure that it exists! I tried my hand at acrylic painting last month, and that didn't go so well. I was not blessed with artistic ability. I picked up a book from the library, though, and it seems like maybe even a neophyte like me may be able to pick up a few things. I just got done making a bunch of magnets (picture below), and my latest undertaking has been making Christmas ornaments. I know it's only August, but it's never too soon for Christmas!!
The thing that I loved about doing clinicals at the nursing home last fall was getting to interact with the residents. My second day there, a woman whom I had just met the day before very briefly, told me that she loved me. She was of sound mind, so to hear that from a complete stranger because I simply took the time to help feed her and get to know her, was incredible. Another man was pretty crotchety and seemed like he was going to be difficult, but after a 10-minute conversation with him about the Great Depression and asking him about his life back then and his job, I actually got some laughs out of him. It is amazing how showing just the slightest bit of attention and care towards another person can change not only their day, but your own. I have such a soft spot in my heart for the elderly, and think I would really love getting to know some of the residents at the nursing home in town. The part I struggle with is loss. I mentioned previously to my mom the idea of working in hospice (a few years ago) and said she didn't think I'd be able to handle it because I have too big of a heart. I worry about getting attached to the residents and knowing that eventually I will lose them, so I'm a bit on the fence about the idea of volunteering at a nursing home. The thing is, though, caring for and loving them is greater than any loss I could experience, so in the end, it should still be very rewarding, right? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
My other idea is to volunteer with the American Cancer Society, which is something I've always wanted to do. Unfortunately, most of the positions they have available for volunteers who actually interact with those with cancer, have to be cancer survivors. There are a few other opportunities that I still need to look into, but they're more administrative.
Lastly, I've made a few new friends globally. I mentioned a couple of years ago that even when I was a kid, I loved to talk and make new friends, and loved having pen-pals. That lasted for a few years, and two years ago, I decided why not try to do some of the things I loved as a kid? In the fast-paced world we live in, especially being connected globally via the Internet, it seems like life is a little less personal. Heck, with the invention of social media, it seems like people hardly e-mail anymore. So, I got back into writing good, old-fashioned letters. Now that I have more time on my hands, I've just recently begun writing a few more ladies, but one that I "met" several months ago is by far the greatest friend a girl could ask for.
In life, I've always managed to attract a wide variety of people. It seems like the needy and strange gravitate towards me more than anyone else, but I've been fortunate to meet so many different types of people...old, young, wealthy, poor, educated, working class, etc., and have been lucky to have had as many friends as I have. Three of the most influential people I have been blessed to "know", however, I have never even met in "real life".
1. The first is my friend, Joe, whom I've known since 2007 when he sent me a message on MySpace. He lived in the same state as me for nearly two years, but refused to meet me, as he either had a girlfriend, or had some other excuse. :) He and I talk nearly every day and he probably knows more about me than anybody else on the planet. It still bothers me that he would never meet me, and I've always thought it's so odd to talk so much and so often with someone you've never met, but we will meet eventually. He lost his mom about a year and a half after I lost my dad, and he experienced some extreme anxiety last year, so he's been a great shoulder through my current battle.
2. The second person is "Jack", the man I was paired up with when I did the Adopt-A-Soldier pen-pal program. He is truly the kindest, most humble, caring man I have ever "met". It's funny how they say that girls are always attracted to men who remind them of their father. My dad was a quiet, loyal, humble person, kept a lot to himself, and never really said a bad word about anybody. He was also very traditional in his belief of gender roles, which meant my mom did all the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, etc. I never pictured myself with a guy like my dad. I've always been attracted to and dated guys who are more outgoing, cocky, and ultimately, probably cheaters. The more I get to know Jack, the more he reminds me of my dad. We recently began talking on the phone and whenever I talk to him, I think about how much my dad would like him. Their demeanor is nearly identical, and both are some of the greatest men I've had the gift of knowing. Knowing Jack has meant not only knowing a wonderful person, but has also restored my faith in mankind a little bit. If all the guys in the world were like Jack, every woman would get her fairytale ending.
3. Now, getting to my point, the third person is Judith. This sweet, funny, vivacious woman sent me an e-mail several months ago and I know if we lived close to each other, we'd be best friends for life. I've gotten to know her through letters, sometimes we write each other two or three times a week. She's not a typical pen-pal. In fact, she's not a pen-pal at all, as that word doesn't do her justice. She's a true friend. While she is on the other side of the globe all the way in the Netherlands, she has been a better friend to me than the majority of the people who live within 30 miles of me. We talk via e-mail just about every day and she's been such a great support throughout this stint of anxiety. I've enjoyed learning more about her, her family, and her country, and have found that I often get so much more out of our conversations than I do with my friends that I see on a regular basis. While I know I will never have another pen-pal that is as wonderful as she is, she's inspired me to "meet" a few more people globally in hopes of forging some other good friendships and to learn more about other cultures.
One exciting thing that happened today was receiving a letter from Jose, the boy that I sponsor from Mexico. On days when I have bad anxiety, I try to remember the good in life and how things could be much worse. His letter brightened my day. He was in second grade when I began sponsoring him, and now he's already beginning the fourth grade. He's doing very well in school, seems to be a sweet kid, and for someone who's just eight years old, he seems to appreciate life and the few things he does have more than most of the adults I know who have been blessed with many fortunes. I guess he's the fourth inspiring person I "know" that I've yet to meet.
The one other thing I've been trying to do lately is tap into my creative side. Unfortunately, I am not sure that it exists! I tried my hand at acrylic painting last month, and that didn't go so well. I was not blessed with artistic ability. I picked up a book from the library, though, and it seems like maybe even a neophyte like me may be able to pick up a few things. I just got done making a bunch of magnets (picture below), and my latest undertaking has been making Christmas ornaments. I know it's only August, but it's never too soon for Christmas!!
This has turned into the longest blog post ever, so I think that means it's time for "Rescue Me". Hopefully next time I will have something interesting to talk about! I hope you all are well!
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